As an aspiring high-value female — someone who has begun to work on their presentation to the world in such a way that they are becoming increasingly more beautiful, intelligent and attractive by the day — you will find yourself soon becoming the focus of a lot of male attention.
Unfortunately, some of this attention may be unwanted, and some of it could even be upsetting or even downright threatening. Sexual harassment is the sort of thing that can ruin your career goals, put a roadblock in front of your dreams and just generally make your life an ongoing hell, either at work or in school, and you don't have to put up with it.
Sexual harassment is a real problem in this country, as evidenced by the widespread and growing #MeToo movement. As more and more of this sort of aberrant male behavior becomes exposed and women become more observant and sensitive towards it, it is beginning to create a massive "disturbance in the Force" among certain types of men who are temperamentally prone to becoming sexual harassers in the first place.
But what type of men are these? It often seems impossible to tell if a guy is capable of this sort of behavior until it's too late and he's either got his hands all over you, has you boxed into a corner or is presenting some kind of ultimatum: "you'd better play ball with me because I am in a position to make things miserable for you if you don't..."
To help explain some of the underlying psychology that spawns this vicious behavior in certain men, here are three things that you ought to know about the men who could potentially engage in sexual harassment — hopefully giving you some idea of how to identify and steer clear of these personality types.
There's a big difference between a well-executed flirt and an act of harassment, and I'm sure you know the difference. A flirt is performed in good nature and, if done correctly, should serve to make a woman feel good about herself. I'm imagining a genuine complement about something that you normally wouldn't expect to be complemented on... made with a little mischievous gleam in the eye. That sort of thing is usually welcome and an acceptable part of the man-woman dynamic and hopefully, you experience a few awesome flirts coming your way now and then.
The intent of such a harmless flirt is to establish a playful connection with someone on an emotional level — to communicate the idea that "I find you attractive". Nothing more sinister. There certainly should be no implied sexual threat of any sort. Depending on the situation, a guy can press forward out of a flirt to try and get a phone number or a date from you, or he can just slowly work on you with little flirts here and there… seeing how you react, and then deciding whether to continue trying to take things further or not.
This is how romantic relationships grow slowly from a small seed of interest. Patience is required, and someone who has a serious interest in you will restrain himself from being too pushy and brazen... always seeking the correct balance to try and charm instead. It is your job to help him along with appropriate signals of acceptance along the way if you are interested as well. These are signs of maturity on both your parts and can lead to some wonderful and life-changing relationships.
A flirt is an exciting little teasing compliment offered just to see what you think of me, that's all. A friendly probe advanced in good nature. What harassers do, on the other hand, is completely different — although it may appear similar to an outside observer. Harassers like to disguise a put-down inside a compliment in an attempt to establish an intimidating, insular posture right away. Their goal is to make sure you know what the "correct" power relationship should always be between a man and woman. From there, it only gets worse.
And if you resist or reject this idea then you become a fair target for abuse in his mind because he has adopted an anti-feminist, near-medieval idea that women are the lesser property of men, and can be possessed, traded, sold and enslaved accordingly.
If only... right?
Harassment is an act of brazen sexual aggression delivered with an undercurrent of anger, anger that is fostered by this kind of backwards thinking about the role of women in society. It communicates the idea that: "...I think so little of you that I couldn't care less what you think of my cruel behavior. So I feel completely free to act on my selfish sexual impulses whenever I'm around you..."
Typically, the harasser makes no attempt to connect with a woman whom he targets on any sort of serious emotional level, he's just going to take his own desire and overwhelm you with it. Or, (even worse!) you may have already rejected his direct advances, and now he's on a mission of revenge to make your life hell. He couldn't give a shit about the discomfort that he's creating in you... you deserve it for rejecting his advances, and now you'll pay!
Again, low self-esteem at play here, but coupled with a fearlessness for taking real action (poor impulse control) that makes any such character a danger for becoming physically abusive.
These types of men gravitate towards positions of power in life and the workforce because they are otherwise insecure on a deeply subconscious level about their own natural ability to be attractive to women. This fear often acts as the driving force behind many overly-ambitious men. Understanding that they have very little to offer in terms of looks or personality and (certainly not) charm, they instead try to leverage the power they've accumulated in a career or political or academic field as a weapon they can use to badger the women who trigger some unknown urge in them to dislike and abuse.
Let me also alert you that the types of men who are harassing women in the workplace could even be part of this growing "incel" (INvoluntarily CELibate) quasi-political male supremacy movement. These self-described 'ugly men' who claim to be universally rejected by women are mostly sad loners who would rather go trolling for you on social media instead of grabbing your ass in public I think, but this negative social media behavior can also be quite emotionally upsetting as well, I know, and should not be taken lightly. Report it as soon as you think it's crossed the line (and save some examples, e-mails, screen-captures, etc. as proof).
As a quick but disturbing look into this type of rapidly spreading "male supremacy" mentality, below is a brief excerpt from a post about the increasingly radical incel movement by Jesselyn Cook. As I mentioned, incels are an online community of men who claim to have been denied romantic and sexual opportunities by women all their lives. These so-called "involuntarily celibate" guys have decided that they can't get laid because they are universally undesirable to ALL women. Embittered by their continual rejection, they now openly hate women as a result of being scorned and mocked/bullied, etc. A shocking number even discuss committing rape and acts of mass violence against women as revenge. They are actually now coming under scrutiny as a potential terrorist organization! Very scary stuff. This pullquote from one of Ms. Cook's posts, for instance, describes a striking difference in how men and women typically handle rejection:
...men and women respond very differently when discriminated against in a romantic or sexual context, experts say. While women often internalize or blame themselves when faced with rejection, men tend to take rejection as a challenge to their masculinity or an insult to their perceived place in the social hierarchy. Women are likely to feel emotionally hurt by a rejection and to assume that there is something lacking in them that warranted the rejection. Women are encouraged to 'get over it'... but men often feel the need to 'get even'.
Read the complete set of Huff Po articles and more about the disturbing online incel 'male supremacy' movement. Warning: potentially disturbing content.
These 'unlucky-in-love'-type of men feel utterly despised by women and have thus learned to feel justified holding onto a righteous anger towards them all. Incel or not, if such a guy achieves some authority position where can begin bossing women around, he is likely to engage in some form of harassment simply due to all the pent-up resentment that he has stored-up for the women he feels provoke him sexually (this can be true even if he's married, usually to someone he's grown tired of or bored with). Harassers are then inevitably compelled towards their not-so-secret main goal: making the life of any woman who DARES to (even unwittingly) tease them with what they can't have from this moment on... a living hell!
And while they may not have much in the way of social or romantic charm, they are not afraid to make bold physical advances in the service of their endless anger and frustration. The point is, not every one of these guys is potentially harmless. Some (maybe even most?) are, but there is always some danger of escalation into stalking, threatening or other weird behaviors as well. So be observant, be cautious and seek out help from authorities as soon as you think it's warranted.
One of the bolder defensive strategies you can take as a woman against any harasser, especially someone who's been at it for a while and just won't stop, is to go on the offensive and actually "up the ante" — offer to take him up on his "fantasy office-F" or whatever it is that he thinks he's presenting to you with his sick behavior.
I can guarantee you that, if you DO ever decide to challenge this guy and accept his "gift", a great, soft disappointment is likely headed your way. In other words, you can almost be sure this guy can't handle a real woman like you, for real. That's why he chooses to interact in this belligerent way: it puts up a barrier to the real thing. He knows that his behavior is not charming and will never end up in a real relationship or sexual affair with you, but that's okay because that's not what he's after. These type of men are fakes and phonies to the core, and their borderline criminal behavior is all a smoke screen so that you can't see what a little man he really is.
The harasser could also be holding a smoldering grudge against you that you don't even realize. You know this type of creep I'm sure: he pretends to act nice until he senses the first hint of resistance (or disinterest) from you, then suddenly turns into a major prick who's constantly on your case... putting you down with sly remarks, etc. To you it may've been a lot of nothing and you forgot all about it, but to him...
My contention is that some of the general anger that harassers display towards women has a very personal source, and it's probably located in their pants. Men who trend towards a negative view of women have body morphic flaws which they secretly believe makes them universally unattractive to women and ultimately rejectable. Women have thus become the "enemy of their ego", and his sexually-framed expressions of aggression towards you is really an expression his own body shame.
I guess I'm saying, don't take harassment personal — although any man's harassment of you is highly personal, I know. And you should fight back mightily with all the tools now available to you in both the workplace and school. Just understand that, for the abuser, the particular woman he targets almost doesn't matter. He hates you all. Or, more accurately, he will soon come up with some petty reason to hate you and use that to justify the ongoing abuse. Like any addict, only an intervention and a willingness to really change can save him from himself. He's not your problem to solve, however. Remember that.
"To the Victor go the Spoils..." the saying goes, and nowhere is that more apparent than In our great big, grand-stupendous rat-race quest to make as much money as we possibly can. And as well we should: all men seek some kind of financial success in their lives, but our deepest motivations for wanting to horde money (and the power over people that usually comes with it) is often overlooked. Sure we need money to live a great life and have nice possessions like a car, house, take an awesome vacay every now and then, etc. But beyond all the cool stuff that money can buy, for men, there is a much more visceral force that drives them to succeed and acquire money...
And simply put, that motivator is pussy.
Yes, all throughout history, men have sought power for this one simple reason almost exclusively. Oh sure it's fun bossing people around, setting all the rules of society, getting the pick of the best foods to eat and all the other perks that have gone along with historical power throughout the ages, but men do not seek high levels of personal achievement for these things.
It is access to the most fertile and beautiful women that compels males to seek high level power.
Trust me, if there were no women in the world for men to chase, most guys would probably lead near hermit-like existences at some basic level of satisfaction and never much attempt to excel beyond it (or, they would all form gangs and kill each other!). In reality though, it is only our deeply seated reproductive drives that instinctively tell us to seek out and somehow charm the female and entice her into surrendering her sexual favors to us... at all costs!
Sex is the primary goal which drives men to become wealthy and powerful. Nothing else. All the other perks of wealth and power are merely a smokescreen to cover up the snatch-thirsting truth of what it is that men truly seek in the world.
Into this rat race world steps the sexual harasser, the guy who exists sort of on the fringes of great wealth and power, but is only made it "in" far enough that he cannot consider himself to be the great "golddigger" prize that he once sought to be. There could also be some degree of resentment and anger at the system that has left him stranded at this level, perhaps having denied him a promotion or whatever. This general anger that he cannot express upwards in the command chain effectively turns him into a terrible tyrant who lords over his little office kingdom... and in some bizarre way comes to think of the women under his management umbrella as his own little personal "harem".
Ladies, keep those sexy bottoms out of grabbing range.
You see, sexual harassers cling to a fragile, delusional self-image... one that rests on the shaky idea that their position of authority awards them carte blanche to take liberties with women as they see fit. They MUST act like this, you see... they are driven to aggressively press women for sexual feedback or psychologically torment them as punishment... until it all finally backfires in their face. Why? Because if it isn't true — if their lifelong quest for power and money hasn't made them irresistible to ALL women, then everything they have worked for is for nothing.
Because it's all about the kitty, isn't it?
Tragically, most sexual harassers never really understand their own insecurity-driven motivations, and it's everyone's loss — everyone their bitter, negative blot of energy touches.
Unfortunately for them, they must now learn to accept the harsh reality that, regardless of their wealth and stature, they really don't get to blindly wield this sort of immoral power over other people anymore. Not in this progressive, increasingly egalitarian modern world they don't.
And that really scares the hell out of them.